Dear Kwan Yin,
The other night in my sleep I became conscious and found myself in a state of losing my mind. I felt utter terror, horror and panic beyond description. I thought I was going to die, my mind was going to dissolve into a billion pieces, my physical body would die and my consciousness would lose so much focus that I would cease to exist even as consciousness.
I fought with all my consciousness to keep myself together. I've previously gone through this experience once and I swore it would never happen again and didn't wish it on my worst enemy. It was worse than a living nightmare or enduring hell, because even a hell makes sense,. What felt like 3 hours passing was only 3 minutes,, that brought even more horror.
Was this a small glimpse of what Kuthumi went through? I experienced this for several hours the first time, then just a few seconds this time. I can't imagine Kuthumi having gone through this for over a year.. The few hours I spent were worse than a living hell.
Does this have to do with my enlightenment? If so, can I make a conscious choice not to go through my enlightenment this way? I don't think I can handle it and I don't want to find out.