I wake up this morning with a heavy heart. I do not know why these feelings revisit me today. I feel lonely and sad. I miss my wife who died 8 years past for I saw her in my dream last night. I quickly saw her as if it was normal as if she was a part of my life, and then I lost her and could not find her any more.
I wake up not understanding. How can it feel like she is still there after all this time, and why do I still miss her. I'm having trouble holding onto my anger towards her. The anger for her leaving me. I'm having trouble holding onto my rejection of her for all the pain she had caused me while she was alive. Today I only want to be with her again. The resentment and negative feelings I held towards her seem to have washed away. So I am sad because I feel that I have lost her again.
Yet this dream puzzles me. How can I feel even temporarily that she is still there. How can she still be present when she is not.
This morning I listen to "The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)" video on Youtube and instantly feel mesmerized. I put it on repeat. A realization or recognition comes over me and this is what I come to see.
I am also sad because my younger son just turned 5. I'm sad to see him grow up. I'm sad to see him gradually fade away from my heart. My two older children are now teenagers. What happened to my two wonderful children that I loved so dearly and that I would have given my own life for ? They are gone. They have been replaced by these two other people. What a cruel game this life is. Why do my children have to be gradually taken away and be replaced by something else. Why does love not last and why does it have to always go away ?
While listening to "The Great Bell Chant" I feel soothed by the peace I feel in the one chanting and in the voice of Thich Nhat Hanh. Somehow I can tap into the inner state of those beings and feel their wonderful peaceful state. It soothes my sadness. I begin to feel them as if I was them, as if I am them. How can this be ? I feel that within me I have already mastered the state of peace.
Then in my minds eye I remember that I have a talent for dance. I had been telling myself that I need to take up dancing because why else would I have this capacity if I wasn't meant to use it ? Then I remember that I wish I could sing. I can imagine myself singing and seeing how beautiful and how wonderful it would feel. However I know that this body cannot sing and that it would require a miracle. Why do I desire something so deeply that is apparently impossible ? How cruel.
While moving around in my internet browsing I see a man with the perfect muscular body that is beautiful. I tell myself that that is the body I would want if I could. I want to be beautiful, but why ? Perhaps because I feel that I am beautiful and that I want it to show and I want the world to see me for what I truly am. The world lately only seems to reflect back to me all that is undesired. I feel that I am constantly accused of being selfish, uncaring, cold, unaffectionate and mean. How can this be ? Why do others only see what they want ? Why is it that no one sees what I see ? I feel that the world is blind and cannot perceive me in the slightest. I am invisible and for some reason I am only a mirror that reflects back to people what they expect to see in me. I am not what others perceive in me, that I have no doubt. It only makes me feel more sad and more alone that no one recognizes me for the beautiful person that I am, that I know that I am.
Sometimes this world feels like a cruel trick. It presents you with a candy, but pulls it back as soon as you reach out for it. Who would have ever conceived of such a cruel thing to do ?
I'm realising at this moment that when I think of the Tibetan monk and perceive his peace, it doesn't feel like I'm connecting to him and his presence. It's much more then that. I feel him as if I was him. I am him and I can perceive the peace from within as if it came from my own core. It is not outside of myself, it feels like it's already a part of me, or that it is an aspect of me.
I think back to the perfect body and realise that I do not need to achieve that with this body. I begin to realise that I am that man, and I am all those men that have already accomplished and created a beautiful body. I realise that I need not become a dancer once again for I have already attained and existed in those states many times over. I have also already been a great singer many times over.
I realise that not only can I connect to any being that has lived on this earth but more then that I realise that I am those or that being and that it has always been me.
As a child I could not comprehend the notion that I could not be all that there is. I felt like I was an infinite being, and as an infinite being there cannot be two infinite beings because then that means that they are not infinite. There can only be one infinite being.
I'm understanding now that I was right. I am an infinite being and my infiniteness encompasses all. This means that there is only me and that I am all beings that I perceive. I exist within all lives and so have already accomplished everything.
For the little individualized version of me I perceive myself to be it's almost funny to think that I need to once again accomplish something that I have already accomplished a seemingly infinite number of times. I don't need to re-accomplish everything again within this one life. This life has a purpose, it has a theme that is it's own contribution to the whole, the whole that is I.
Within me I have the two sides to every coin. On one side I may be sad because I feel I have lost love, and on another side I have accomplished great love. I can simply put the two together and there is healing, there is peace, there is relief. I can finally relax knowing that I need not accomplish anything. My purpose in this life is one of reunification of all my aspects. My purpose is to heal myself and to come to the resolution of all my stories.
The lines between separation are beginning to fade and a reconnection is beginning to occur. Of course it is only a perception for I cannot be separate from myself, I cannot not be myself, it can only be a perception.
Within myself, within my infinite self I hold all the keys. I hold all the keys to the complete healing of all of humanity for I am humanity. I am every person that ever was and as such healing is only a matter of realising that I have already healed myself of every affliction.
I remember thinking to myself that my feeling that I am infinite and that everything is possible could be perceived by others as being incredibly arrogant and seem as having a massive ego. You know what ? Fuck that ! So what ! Everyone will perceive whatever they perceive anyways. The world is simply a reflection of your own perception of reality. Every life is an exploration of a set of perceptions that contribute to the whole of the one being that is none other then myself. I simply have at this time a restriction if you will on the perception of my totality. However my inner knowing can still feel and perceive all that I am if I look or choose to perceive.
I am being told that there is never a reason to feel stuck or feel obliged. You can always tap into the resolved version of the story you are currently playing out and feel the resolution into the current existence. Even in the extremely unlikely case that there isn't a resolution life if you will, you can always conjure it into existence with the creative power of your imagination. Imagination is the creative power of the universe and does not need to be belittled as a child's ignorance of the supposed real world. Reality is what you perceive it to be, and imagination is the key to creating your reality. To belittle imagination was the manipulation to remove our power to create.
The bell that I hear within the video "The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)" is like a wake up call. It calls to me to wake up and remember that which I truly am. To remember who I am is a great relief. It instantly dissolves all ailments and suffering when I reside in the heart of my essence.
- Mathieu Wells